Wherein I scream via caps lock and threaten my unborn children

What has happened in the house of God to make people think it is no different than the back row of the movie theatre??? Did I miss the memo that notified the congregation that any and all forms of macking are totally appropriate nowadays? I know it’s been a while since I’ve been to church (shame on me) but at least when I go, I don’t canoodle with my neighbor the entire time.

Ahem, sorry about that. I got the cart ahead of the horse there for a second. Let’s rewind.

This morning at the 11:00 service, I had the worst seat in the house. Right behind a couple that had a terrifyingly strong magnetic force between them, preventing them from behaving appropriately in church. It started during worship, which was early in the service. Let me clarify that at OUR church, at this particular juncture in the service, we are to direct our worship to CHRIST, not to our clearly sexually-frustrated significant other. HOWEVER, the love bugs DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME spent the better portion of the 10 minute music set pulling each other closer and closer. I will admit, it was mostly the guy (sorry, but when is it not?) that was doing the groping and rubbing. And I swear on my life, she must have been wearing 16 forms of various zip-up shirts because she kept STRIPPING!! It was like, every 5 minutes, she would remove another article of clothing, and well, it pretty much goes without saying that as her clothes came off, his hands went more and more crazy. And during some seriously worshipful songs, his hand was wandering dangerously south of the border, and ironically enough, the lyrics were “we lift up our hands in praise”.

Uhh…. your hands should be ashamed of the extreme lack of lifting-up-in-praise that is going on, young man.

Once we shook hands and greeted one another (and I Purelled IMMEDIATELY because ICKY ICKY ICKY if your hands were on her BUTT during worship, I don’t want to have anything transferred to MY hands from your pre-church activities), they began the back-of-movie-theatre antics.

The back rubbing, the hair twirling, the blatant leaning over and kissing each other, the secret swapping, the giggling…. At one point, she thought it would be super hilarious to take her pen (which should’ve been used for TAKING THOROUGH NOTES YOUNG LADY) and make some sort of inscription on his face. I’m sorry, are we three years old? (Actually, they were somewhere between Maddie’s age and mine, so OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER). So like a real gem, she licked her finger and spent the next, ehhhh 90-ish seconds grooming him to remove the ink spot.

Because I’ve been in no mood for people’s crap lately, I was moments away from leaning forward after the service and just asking “Did you guys love the service? Get a lot out of it? BECAUSE I DIDN’T GET ANYTHING OUT OF IT DUE TO THE HORRIFIC DISTRACTION THAT WAS YOUR SICKENING INTIMACY! GET! A! ROOM!”

What I’m trying to say here is this: have we really lost all respect for the solemnity that is supposed to be our time with God? Is it so hard to stop the fondling for 70 minutes to hear what God might be trying to say to you? They have no idea, but their behavior in church impaired not only their ability to have open ears to the well thought and prepared (I mean, I assume, because I couldn’t focus of course) service, but it impaired others around them. So, what’s it going to take?

Moral of the story: if you are a church-goer and have decided to incorporate that into your relationship with your significant other, that’s wonderful. But be cognizant of the fact that there are certain boundaries. By allowing that young man to twist her hair, plant a million kisses on her cheek, and practically nuzzle her bosom at one point (I am so not being sarcastic, ask my mom) she was distracting him from the word of God. I don’t care if it was uninvited, it was allowed; she didn’t tell him to stop, and so, she encouraged the behavior.

If they were my children… Lord have mercy. I would break his wrist and spank her bottom so hard she wouldn’t want another hand on it for the rest of eternity. And that’s why my children won’t date until I’m dead.

To blog or not to blog…

That is the question. Obviously it’s been a while since I’ve popped in at A La Coco. Glad we got that out of the way, I’ve been stressing over how to reintroduce myself. That seemed sufficient enough.

Things have been crazy lately (blah blah, yeah, yeah I know, we’ve all said that/heard it a million times). I really do think I’ve been busy, though, and I could go on to list all the things I’ve done in the past two-ish weeks since I’ve posted anything, like going to New York City (twice), get a gut-busting flu during the two days I had to be with my fiance, et cetera, et cetera, but I won’t go into all that. Rather, I’m just gonna shoot ya straight.

I don’t know about the blog thing.

Here’s why:

1) I’m not funny. I hate reading boring blogs, and I have become a boring blog.

2) I don’t have kids or pets, therefore I have no cute little munch-able faces to post pictures of.

3) It’s honestly not the first thing I’m itching to do after a full day at work and now a 3-hour evening’s worth of choreography as I begin my second job this week.

4) I barely have time to read my Google Reader, let alone try to be witty and clever and write about daily happenings, trying to make them entertaining.

Here’s the truth: I don’t just want to sit here and recite my day. I don’t want to bore you. My days are rather boring to everyone who isn’t interested in the composition of a sales catalog on Microsoft Excel or what items I could sell if I had a daily sale special at Orange Tree featuring everything in the store that is blue for 30% off. See? Already you are falling asleep and your eyeballs have rolled into the back of your head.

I also don’t want to just come here and complain. I have a lot to be grateful for but lately, I’ve been feeling just a little tired. Tired of being engaged. Tired of winter. Tired of customers who want to break the rules. Tired of being in limbo. So every time I sit down to write, it seems more therapeutic to vent than to compose some holly jolly post about my wedding weight-loss plan or this new recipe I found that was killer. And frankly, anyone that knows me is well aware that there is nothing to say about wedding weight-loss because that involves losing weight and well, ha. Also, I am not a cook, so recipes? Please. Not what A La Coco is about.

So, there. Thoughts. Mine. Bleh. See you in a month. Or whatever.

The Team

In honor of just receiving news that we passed our Senior Comprehensive Exam (also: YAYY!!!!!) that we prepared and presented to a panel of die hards from the Saint Mary’s Business Department, today I am going to do my first Random Recognition entry (Yes, that is going to be the official title of these here “people I know who I think are cool” blog entries). (Until I think of something wittier). (In fact, “People I know who I think are Cool” is the new official title). (It’s too bad I don’t think through my blog entries before I write them).

I worked on “the comp” as we fondly referred to this heinous beast of a project for the past 5 months with four other business majors: Jenna, Julie, Karlee and Kelley. Their hard work and commitment to the project is what got us through some treacherous nights, blinding proofreading of 75-page papers, and enough Coca-Cola imagery to choke a horse.

Jenna

Jenna and I have known each other since first semester of freshman year when we were both studying Italian in preparation for our Study Abroad semesters in Rome (unfortunately, we didn’t go the same semester, but we will forever have that very special experience in common). Honestly, I should’ve gotten her to sign a promissory note on that very first day of class stating she would someday be in my Comp group because this girl is really smart. And a perfectionist. Which, I’m not going to lie, is not the most attractive trait when it’s 2:00 in the morning and the security officers are kicking you out of the computer lab and she’s still trying to figure out the most eloquent way to verse a sentence in a paper due the next morning. But clearly, I was the short-sighted member, and her perfectionism paid off. She did SO MUCH work for this comp. Literally, I am put to shame by the hours she has invested in the project. She also corralled our group on more than one occasion, reminding us that THERE IS TONS TO DO, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!! Honesty and brute force: I appreciate those qualities in a person, what can I say. Jenna has so much potential for her future, it’s not even funny. I’m looking forward to our ten-year reunion where I’m sure she will have a million success stories and a wonderful life. And I’ll be able to say “Yeah… she was in my comp group.” Smug and selfish… that’s me.

Julie

Julie is the finance major in the group. And if we’re just being honest, the first day of class when we formed our groups, she introduced me to Yahoo Finance, and my response was literally one of utter cluelessness followed by “Stock price?? What’s THAT???”. Ok, I wasn’t that clueless, but yeah, I’d never visited nor heard there was such a thing as Yahoo Finance. If nothing else, I thank Julie for OPENING MY EYES. Oi. Don’t tell the panel of professors that deemed me smart enough to pass that I totally faked my way through. Heh heh. So, anyway, back to Julie. First of all, she is a computer/excel/all things Microsoft Office WHIZ KID! Or again, maybe just better than I am, but still, if I ever needed to know anything about Office, she was my girl. Julie is very smart and earned every bit of the degree she’s going to receive in May. Frankly, I’m impressed with anyone who consciously chooses to major in anything involving line items, but that’s just me. I’m a marketing major. Don’t ask me what that means. During our comp, it was her humor and her subjectivity that I admired the most about Julie. I never heard her say a bad word about anyone, and that in itself is a trait I wish I were more diligent about. I wish only the best for Julie as she goes on in life, and good luck with the line items.

Karlee

Oh, Karlee. Again, my demise for line items is expressed through my gratitude to Karlee for her sheer brilliance in Accounting. She worked so hard on this comp and while her work was a lot of behind the scenes stuff, to say it was important would be an understatement. It was COLOSSAL. And when the professors challenged her work, she was confident and even the die hards couldn’t stump our Karlee. I can’t even begin to explain what she did and the depth of her research and accounting applications, because I’m stoopid, but she really deserves a badge of honor for her diligence on this project. Karlee and I are also connected on the long-distance relationship front and I think we bonded a couple times over counting down the days until we could see our men again. I know I always felt excited for her when I heard that she was going to be seeing her boyfriend, so in a way, I think we were kind of kindred spirits. Not to mention I give props to people who tough out the distance factor. So, props to Karlee. Props, and many thanks for everything she has done for myself and our group and for the friend she is to me.

Kelley

Look familiar? Kelley and Karlee are twins. Glad we got that out of the way. Kelley and I have had a lot of classes together at SMC and she (and Karlee, as well) and I were actually pretty good friends before the comp even started. The girls both grew up in my hometown, but it wasn’t until we were students at SMC that we met and began hanging out. Kelley is a marketing major (again, kindred spirits) but she’s also an International Business concentration (Kelley, if you are reading this and I am wrong, please correct me!). Which means she’s a) more motivated and b) smarter than me. Are you seeing a trend in terms of the smartness within this group?? I ain’t the brains of this operation, that’s for sure. Kelley was a rain maker in this project, and she often delegated responsibilities and played the role of leader. I was always impressed with her ability to understand all facets of the comp (even the accounting stuff, which… well, you know where I stand with that). Kelley made sure that we didn’t miss anything during the project. On more than one occasion, she was the contact person and the center of the operation to whom we all reported, and having someone take initiative to be that person was a huge blessing. Kelley’s going to be just fine after graduation: she knows what she’s doing and she’s well equipped to do it. I’m glad she was on my team.

Courtney

I did nothing.

Thank you, and goodnight.

Wienie love

I have been begging, pleading, petitioning and dang near dognapping to become a pet owner recently. I wrote to Santa, my fiance and my parents at Christmas time, all of whom gave me the big fat “NO” followed by the sound of a buzzer on a game show when I asked for a dog. Something about the fact that I still live in my parents house and since THEY don’t want another pet, I must forego my wish of being a puppy’s mommy. And I must be in no later than 10:30 on weeknights. And I must eat all my greens. But I digress.

I really wanted a golden retriever, because they are the all-American dog, and who DOESN’T want a golden retriever?!? Even though it was a little blonde I was hoping to find under the tree, I have been wishing for another little breed of preciousness for even longer. And with how Stockton’s and my future seems to be unfolding (read: small apartment living for an undetermined amount of time), it looks like one of these little babies would better fit into our lives.

A miniature, long-haired weinie. I think that might be taboo to call them that, but I have no intention of naming the dog Oscar Meyer, so I think I am entitled to at least one wiener reference.

Tell me this is not the perfect dog for me!! It is practically a miniature, stretched out golden retriever!!! Oh, my heart.

Not only are they the perfect size to curl up with on the couch, but they are great for many other things as well.

You never have to go without a designated driver. I’m quite sure their feet even reach the pedals with that long and lean torso.

Plays well with others.

Adventure seekers. But safety first.

And this is what they look like as puppies. AHHH my heart, it hurts, so.

And so, the moment I can get my hands on the right one (and my Nazi parents and fiance finally consent to allow me an ounce of pleasure) I will have a mini long-haired weinie. And I shall name him Slinky.

I caved

Are you there, Blog World? It’s me, Courtney. 

So, for those of you who aren’t my sister, Kaley (the contributor that forced me into this), I am new to blogging and was, as stated previously, guilted into this because my hormonal sister wanted new reading material.  After trying to convince said sister that I am a) not an intriguing writer who b) has nothing captivating or worthwhile to write about with c) no interest in maintaining a website or anything beyond email, I was overruled and caved in.  I now have a blog, and you, my lucky reader, get to deal with my new capability to vent, blab, brag, comment, and blab about whatever I want. Did I mention I have a tendency to blab when writing without supervision? This could be very blissful

Seeing as I am new to this game and don’t know exactly how to get this baby off the ground, I will start with a list because who doesn’t like a good, old fashioned “100 things I know you are dying to learn about me” run down??? Well, your wait is over, and you can breathe a sigh of relief. Here are 100 things I know you are dying to know about me.

 

1. My name is Courtney.   My sister bosses me around.  I’m having a hard time getting this list started with things you don’t already know.

2. I am 5’4″ but wish i were 5’0″. Right now my shoes are making me 5’8″ and if there were shoes that could have an opposite effect and make you appear shorter than you actually are, I would buy them. 

3. I work at the Orange Tree, and am responsible for spreading joy throughout the land of Granger via fun, funky gifts and whimsical treasures. Tempted? Stop in. 

4. My boyfriend, Stockton, hasn’t blogged in a long time and I miss reading about his aero-adventures

5. I love Kourtney Kardashian, and am not sure whether to be proud of that or not. 

6. Kaley, my bossy older sister, is prego!!! HOORAY!!!! (By the way, I mean the bossy thing in a loving way)

7. My little sister, Maddie, is a beauty queen. 

8. My mom, Jamie, is my fashion icon. She’s either a class act or covered in paint. I love both looks but I often resemble the sloppy, paint covered version more. Unfortunately, I don’t have creativity to use as my excuse….. In fact, I don’t have an excuse. With that, on to #9!!

9. I never pay full price for clothing. Call me thrifty, please… I prefer it to “cheap”. 

10. I do not like cats. Icky icky poo poo. No offense if you are a cat lover; I suggest we just don’t talk about it so that we both can live happily ever after. 

11. I have two dogs , two doggy angels, and  the demonic equivalent of a cat angel. Nah, she wasn’t that bad. Guilt by association really. If she were a dog, we could’ve gotten along quite nicely I’m sure. 

12. I am blogging at work. Shhhh don’t tell mom. 

13. I feel like I am running out of things to blog about already. Don’t give up on me yet. 

14. I paint my nails daily because if one nail chips, the rest of them are doomed and swiftly get picked off. My apologies to anyone who has had to vacuum as a result of my OCD nail polish picking. 

15. I have sold fifteen purse hooks in the last week. These little babies are HOT! You can find them at the aforementioned happiest place in northern Indiana. 

16. I prefer my eggs over easy, my coffee with cream, and my love with reckless abandon.

17. I stole that quote from a cocktail napkin (also found at the land of all things orange).

18. Even though the quote is not my own, I really do agree with all of those things. 

19. Bubble Bath is one of my favorite OPI nail polish colors, but I find it IMPOSSIBLE to apply myself because for some unknown reason, it takes eons to dry. That is, I cannot paint my own nails and then sit still long enough for them to dry perfectly and look like they are straight out of a chop shop, not to mention if there is a teeny flaw on one nail, the other nine are goners too. I have nail issues. See fact # 14.

20. When my hair is short, I want it long and when it is long, I chop it off. My hair is currently short and I am popping stupid-expensive vitamins daily and washing it with horse shampoo in an effort to make it grow. I really do swear by the vitamins though!! What I really need is a restraining order against me from all beauty salons in my region.

21. I once received an award titled the “Ellie Mae” award for being the only little girl who played on the boys’ soccer team. I thought it was a compliment but it was really more of an identity crisis. I have since started wearing skirts and jewelry and am a much more girly individual overall. 

22. I can pick things up with my toes. Yes, like a monkey. 

23. My mom calls me a babysitting prostitute. Before you go getting all freaked out thinking I’m some sort of weirdo, please allow me to explain this term of endearment to you so that you don’t get the wrong idea: I am willing to drop anything and begrudgingly babysit for the most horrendous of children if it means a few bucks in my purse. It’s like a sickness really. But most of the kids I babysit for really are little angels and I love them very much. This term is really only used in regards to one family which will go unnamed for the safety of my income. HA. I’ve already said too much, I know it. Now I’m questioning if I should post this. Since the family lives in Maryland and has twelve kids, I’m sure they agree that it’s a heinous job taking care of their brood (note: this is false on all accounts, I’m just trying to throw you off the scent). (I think I’m rambling). (Kaley told me this is what happens when you have a blog). (I warned you I blab without supervision). On to #24 before I say something else to incriminate myself any more on this.  

24. My honey is coming to Michigan from Phoenix in five days to spend the whole summer with me!!!!! Well, not really with me since he would’ve come regardless as he has every summer of his life, but I’m going to go ahead and be selfish and say he’s coming to see me. So there. 

25. I have just decided this will be the end of my list for today so that I have three more excuses to blog in life: facts 26-50, 51-75, and 76-100. 

 

So, people, thus concludes my first introduction to the blog world. It is a pleasure to meet you and I will try to not be as hot and cold with you as I have been with my arch-nemesis, Facebook.  I hereby swear to be faithful to you for at least the next 3 posts and I hope we can be good friends.