Dear Halloween,

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I really hate you.

I think your color scheme is icky. You bring out the bad in Orange, which we all know can do no wrong outside of your satanic grips.

You give people an excuse to dress in ways that would otherwise be considered illegal, and I don’t care what day of the year it is, there should be no exceptions for some things.

You give young women, who should be learning to act classy, not trashy, the impression that ANYTHING can be sexy on Halloween.
“What are YOU going to be for Halloween?”
“Oh Em Gee, I am going to be a sexy fire hydrant!”
“Oh Em Effing GEE I am going to be a sexy high school administrator!!!!”
What does this mean, you ask? They buy the appropriate color bra and panties, maybe a skirt that doesn’t cover their ANYTHING and in the case of the administrator, maybe a pair of reading glasses. And she might throw her hair in a bun just to validate a good stereotype. The fire hydrant? Red, all the way. Maybe her boyfriend will dress as a dog and pee on her leg all night. I wouldn’t put it past certain people.

Back to YOU, Halloween. You make people decorate their homes with arachnids, which if I am not mistaken, most people AVOID AT ALL COSTS for the other 364 days of the year, so what changed, exactly!?! And what in the world do Spiders have to do with Halloween ANYWAY!!??

You make children forget about everything relevant for at least one month straight to think about only the rotting of their teeth and what they are going to wear for Halloween, because let’s face it, it will kill you to have a lame costume. Some customer of mine even went so far as to ask me to sew her child’s costume this year. And I said, Um, hello, do I know you or your child??? No. Do I CARE if your child hits the streets on October 31 dressed as a Notre Dame marching band member? Not really. Do you have $200 to spend on your child’s costume? Oh, no, you don’t??? Perfect…. I selected the appropriate rate to get you to BACK THE HECK OFF then. Good luck with the gold tassels

You are all about fear, fright, death, mummies, zombies, ghosts…. things I try to avoid, in general, in my daily life. I don’t think there should be any exception on Halloween.

I think middle school is DEFINITELY the cutoff for trick or treating, and yet, there always seems to be some 17 year old punks skateboarding around the neighborhood that comes up to me, sans costume, to steal candy.

This year, I plan on standing my ground: no costume, no candy. And children shall receive candy based on the creativity and appropriateness of their costumes. You threw on a ski mask to go trick or treating? You get a chewed piece of gum. You show up (and you are under the age of 12) in an adorable Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz costume, braids and all? Well, that deserves some milk duds.

The only thing I am looking forward to doing on October 31 this year, is calling Kate to wish her a Happy Birthday…. NOT a Happy Halloween.

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